Wedding: Bliss-ters and Cougarrrrs.

I like love. I really do. As I am not currently in love I don’t think I quite love love, but I do like love.

Working at weddings is never dull. Actually that’s a lie. Holding 2 full bottles of wine out in front of you with effortless poise whilst some European father gives an incredibly longwinded, inarticulate speech is dull. Polishing 1000 pieces of silver cutlery is dull. Mopping beer-stained walkways is dull. But often there are ample things to entertain the dulled, sober soul.

Such as the most recent fiasco aka a wedding; whilst not as shocking as some can be, gave rise to entertainment oozing from every location- mainly out of the top half of evening dresses.
Here, I was exposed to a type of creature. A Creature that devours its prey at events such as weddings and neighbourhood pool parties.
I know the definition for cougar used to be: a large, tawny cat, Felis concolor, of North and South America: now greatly reduced in number and endangered in some areas.
For all those who did not know there is now a new definition: a pseudo-tanned female over the age of 50 with sagging assets held up by wondrous support mechanisms; these prowling creatures have roving hands, eyes and a bloodlust for the young, taut opposite sex regardless of marital status, intoxication levels and dignity.
They are wily. They are hormonal. They are lurking.
Weddings are the perfect place to spot these animals in their natural habitat.
I will tell of a few said cougar sightings..

1. Seemingly ‘elegant’ woman with a cropped pixie cut and approximate age of 54. She was a-leaning upon the bar chatting away to 2 adolescent (probably both have finally reached the age of consent) males. I stumbled across the conversation (or snuck behind the bar fridge to hear) of how she had “recently picked up 2 young Scottish backpackers that looked not-unlike yourselves whilst my husband was off playing with another friends wife”.. oh heck. The champagne flute I was polishing suddenly became very intriguing.

2. Whilst the first one takes the delicious black forest cake for cougaresque-behaviour, the second has probably eaten an entire black forest cakes every day for the past decade and probably devoured a fellow or two in the process. Large. She also had a fashion sense that rivalled.. rivalled.. actually to compare her to anything or anyone would be near impossible. I will not go on about her weight, though it was colossal. Instead, I will mention her lavender satin dress-slash-drape that did not cover her 2 Tinkerbell (oh the irony) tattoo’s or her elephantine, I mean delicate feet. Feet which were riddled with blisters that should have remained shoe-d. She ran around, yes ran around the ballroom like an obese banshee with a misplaced desire to dance with young boys who were roughly 300kg lighter than herself. Enough said. Astounding sight.

3. The third would take a lengthy sitting to write about therefore I will mentions only 3 characteristics of unavoidable note: Duran Duran tattoo on scapula, silver mullet and the 2 melons that protruded out of her halter dress with more force than I’d seen body parts exert, like ever.

I do like love. . it’s entertaining